Contemplating Who God is and who I am in God leaves me in humbled awe.
“O Infinite One beyond all understanding, the more I know You the less I comprehend You; but because I cannot comprehend You, I better comprehend Your greatness.” Divine Mercy in My Soul # 278
I see the days before I knew God. The things I did were for my selfish joy. I lived a hedonistic and selfish life. I lived totally for my happiness, damn the consequences. The things I did, I don’t view as vaguely wrong. I guess somewhere deep within, I knew maybe that I was doing wrong. But, I never took time, nor dared to contemplate the repercussions. Sin was a fringe, religious term I had no use of.
When I first found God, I saw my wretched sinfulness. The horrible way I had lived and treated God and others was laid out before me with clarity. I was truly sorry. But, even then, I did things that were detestable to God but of which I saw no wrong.
Now, I see the things I’ve done in a different, clearer, light. I see that the littlest thing I did contrary to God’s heart was a big sin. It wasn’t just the mortal sin that stood out before my eyes as scarlet. Now, my wretchedness lain before me, I can see how the most minor venial sin is grave in God’s eyes. Even the most minor infraction must be confessed before the Sacred, Merciful Heart of Jesus.
Since my Baptism, I have been on a steady upward trajectory toward God. For decades this climb was unbeknownst to me. I walked through my life with more than blinders covering my sight. And, then, God came known. I saw my sinfulness for what it truly was in God’s eyes. And, every step upwards towards God, I see my sinful desires more clearly. I see the space between God and myself as a great, immense chasm that makes the Grand Canyon look like a child’s hole on a beach.
I see God further and further above me. More out of reach now than I had ever thought before. But, in this clarity of vision I see that despite the knowledge of this separation, I am closer to God than ever.
The closer I strive toward God, the more I know Who He is, the more I see Him as God. The more I see God is God, the smaller I become. The more I see God is God, the more my pitiful actions are highlighted in my sinfulness. The more wretched this soul is seen, the more I see how much I need God. The more I see my sin, the more I see my Savior.
Never stop climbing toward God. Never stop seeing the sins of life more clearly. As the soul draws nearer to God, God becomes more clear and more of a necessity. It isn’t that the sins get bigger or that the soul becomes nit-picky in its view of itself. No, it is that the soul sees the brilliance and Holiness of God more clearly and realizes it cannot stand in this Light. Then, falling to its knees, the soul surrenders, realizing it’s only hope is in its Savior.
Every step up may seem like a step down as the soul sees itself more clearly. The soul needs to continue to move and climb. For as the soul climbs, God’s light identifies the faults that separate it from God and make the path upward more clear.
The Road of Faith is a mountain climb ever upward toward God. But, it is not a Road to fear for along the way walks Jesus with His hand out to lift and guide the soul homeward.