“Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and they sprang up quickly, since they had no depth of soil. But when the sun rose, they were scorched; and since they had no root, they withered away.” Matthew 13:5-6
Over the next decade, I started a Bible study, men’s fellowship group and led a men’s Emmaus retreat. I was on top of my faith. So I thought.
Then suddenly it all came apart. With the diagnosis of Lupus for my daughter Kristina, I came to realize how weak my faith truly was. To read this story, purchase my book, “I knew His Voice” on Amazon, available in paperback or Kindle – you can link directly from my catalog.
I have realized in that year how much my faith lacked true depth. When the heat of the sun came upon me, my faith withered and burned up. Everything I had been, my Faith was all on the surface.
But, that is when the Sower got to work. Jesus came into my life at that time like a farmer, breaking the hard soul for planting. He filled my broken soul with His Mercy. He introduced me to St. Faustina and her writings in ‘Divine Mercy in my soul.’ Jesus ‘personally’ gave me the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and has filled my love of this devotion.
Through Divine Mercy and St. Faustina, I’ve learned my biggest impediment to a strong faith was unforgiveness. I had no one who ever wronged me that I hadn’t forgiven, except myself. The night my faith collapsed in the ICU, started a building process that God took very serious.
Divine Mercy has shown me that every sin I had ever committed weighed upon my soul like bags of stone. I would come to the Sacrament of Reconciliation looking for forgiveness but could never receive because I never forgave myself. Despite, Jesus’ absolute Mercy, forgiveness can only be received to the degree one forgives.
Divine Mercy broke my heart free and I could finally begin to drop and leave behind all the baggage of my prior life. Nothing of the old man who I had been needed to be remembered in guilt. Who I was had built who I am in Christ.
Just six years after that dreaded night, I approached my eldest daughter with a different heart as she lay on a ventilator in a hospital bed. A heart of trust in Jesus had replaced the heart of guilt in sin. The first time in the ICU, I couldn’t bring myself to trust God, but this time, I held my hands over Kristina in blessing and prayer. And I prayed to the Father in total trust of His absolute love for her and I. She was His daughter and I was blessed to be her father on earth. If I lost her that day, the pain wouldn’t be less but I knew the Father had it all under control whatever the outcome. I gave my trust in fullness to Him as I prayed. And, the man who hadn’t even been a believer just 20 years earlier, moved past believing into knowing.
From that moment, I don’t believe any longer in God. I know God is real. I finally have fully recognized His hand through the events of my life. I know that night in the funeral home that it was Jesus standing beside not only a man who didn’t believe in His existence but one who had scorned and denied Him before the world. But, beside me in my darkest hour, He stood and whispered in my ear, “don’t worry, you’ll see him again”.
I know it was God ‘speaking’ to my heart and showing me the grace of His love with the introduction of each of my four children to my life. And without doubt, it was God the Father Who personally saved me by bringing my wife to me. It is Jesus from His Cross, Who willingly paid the price for every sin I committed, but this was t shown to me to bring guilt for the sins but instead to set me free to be His Apostle is Mercy.
Every moment of my life, the Spirit has been there protecting and guiding me, often strengthening my Guardian Angel to continue the fight for me.
“I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations” Psalm 89:1