“In my heart, in my soul, there is a dark night. My spirit has come up against an impenetrable wall that hides God from me. But this darkness is not of my doing. Strange indeed is this torture of which I fear to write in full. But even in this state, I am trying to be faithful to You, O my Jesus. Always and in all things, my heart beats for You alone.” Divine Mercy in My Soul # 1235
Have you ever experienced God’s withdrawal or distancing from you? That horrible feeling that God is a million miles away or even worse, that He has left you completely? This is a darkness that descends like “an impenetrable wall.” If you’ve never felt this sensation, be prepared it may come. If you’ve ever experienced this ‘moment’, you know the tortures of the dark night. If you’ve experienced this darkness and distancing of God, you also know the rewards.
First off, God NEVER leaves us or forgets us. The fact that you exist and are reading this post is proof. For if God stopped thinking of you, you’d cease to exist. God love you too much to forget you, no matter the state of soul. He died for you.
When God withdraws His presence from you, it isn’t punishment (when not of your doing through sin). Think of it this way, “when you’re taking a test, the teacher is silent.” Just because the teacher is silent doesn’t mean He isn’t watching.
When the ‘impenetrable wall of darkness’ descends and feels to be overwhelming you, it’s time to grow. In this moment, God feels you are ready to dive deeper in your faith. The Dark Night is a graduate course in trust and faith. I think, often in these days, God withdraws so that we have to search deeper for Him. It is easy to become complacent and comfortable with God’s presence. Until He withdraws, we can find ourselves not seeking to draw closer and deeper in relation.
When He pulls back, we have two choices – let Him go and say ‘good riddance’ or find Him. Because God has withdrawn from a closeness with us means He trusts we will search for Him. It is in that search that we climb to higher mountaintops in our relationship with God. It is in these times that we fight for God, we fight to be close to Him. We see how badly we desire His presence.
When God withdrew from me a decade ago, I didn’t notice right away. Bad on me. But, in a short time, I did feel something out of sorts and through introspective study, I discovered God was missing. Strange to say but in a sense that’s what happened. I was still going through the motions and doing the things I should – Mass, prayer, Bible, journal, talking the talk. But, the joy and fervor wasn’t there. It was at this point I started seeking God. Asking myself why He was distant and what I needed to do. And I found my reason. It was God’s test of me with a single yes/no question. “Do you trust Me?”