“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:7-8
So, now my desolation was revealed to my soul and the cause, lost trust in God, was brought forward. Now what? Well, this holy priest took time from his day and events he wanted to participate in to lead me out of darkness, pray over me for strength, clarity and renouncement of the source of my desolation – even with prayers of exorcism. Then, he gave me tools to find strength to get back in the fight.
The words of absolution gave me the peace to know that God loves me and forgives me fully, even though I had fallen and turned my back on the Father’s love, quite literally in my lack of trust. The Divine Mercy became my shield and St Faustina, my staunchest defender and guide – more on that story later.
The priest then told me his story and fight with despair and shared his greatest tool. He gave me a lifelong penance. He told me from that day forward, I was to keep a crucifix near me and ay my bedside. Every night I was to hold that crucifix to my heart, focus on the love it shows and repeat “Jesus, I trust in You” over and over until I felt His peace on my heart. Then repeat this each night until I believed it. The lifelong part is that any time I feel fear or ‘doubt’ God’s power and love, I was to follow this process until peace came again.
St Ignatius’s sixth rule of discerning spirits says ‘..it is very advantageous to change ourselves intensely against the desolation itself’. Yeah #5 says, don’t change anything in desolation, #6 doesn’t contradict that but says to intensify. For me, my fall came from a loss of trust in God, do intensify against the desolation by focusing more fully on trusting God. This exercise is something i still do to this day, years later. Though, now I say these affirming words of trust in Jesus with every Chaplet of Divine Mercy I say, as I end every Chaplet with me three time ‘Jesus I trust in Your and as I work to bring this prayer into every moment and act of my life. I study Divine Mercy with my teacher (St Faustina) and Jesus to learn to trust God in every season. Long way to go yet but so far more in peace of God’s love and trust than ever in my life.