“I have become interiorly united with God. His presence penetrates me to my very depths and fills me with peace, joy and amazement. After such moments of prayer, I am filled with strength and an extraordinary courage to suffer and struggle. Nothing terrifies me, even if the whole world should turn against me. All adversities touch only the surface, but they have no entry to the depths, because God, who strengthens me, who fills me, dwells there. All the snares of the enemy are crushed at His footstool. During these moments of union, God sustains me with His might. His might passes on to me and makes me capable of loving Him. A soul never reaches this state by its own efforts.” Divine Mercy in my soul #480
I am still in the forge being worked on by the Smith as He continues to hone and polish the burrs and marks from the metal that is my soul.
Thirty one years ago my father passed away. It was on this date, the day after his death, that my 1st Sergeant and the base Chaplain came to my home on Kadena AB on Okinawa Japan to break the news. The priest sat with me as I cried. I couldn’t think of what he could possibly say to make this hurt less. My dad was suddenly gone. I had just spoken with him two days earlier – now, never will I hear his voice again. I sat alone in that house for for another 36 hours while the Red Cross helped coordinate my flight home. I had never been more broken or desolate. Until I arrived in Pittsburgh after that Forever flight from the other side of the world.
I knelt beside my dad’s casket, shattered. My heart broken as I cried over him. Why did this happen? What will I do? To whom will I turn to get advise? It was then that I first heard the voice of Jesus. In my darkest desert place, my soul parched for any hope, Jesus came and gave to me a sip of His Living Water. I begged, “please don’t take him, he is my hero.” I was broken and me soul felt utterly destroyed. God’s response touched my soul to its broken depths and lifted me up again. Jesus consoled me, saying I would see my dad again and that he was never far from me.
Now, thirty one years later, I sit here in prayer, remembering this man and this moment. Jesus steps in again with His words of peace. I begged the moment be changed and that pain be removed. God did neither though it was in His power to do so. How did God respond to my pain, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9. It took me 31 years to see why this verse has always resounded in my soul.
God saw I must pass through the forge fire. My soul had to endure the furnace so that it could be made stronger. Taken from a soft metal, hammered into strong steel, tempered into a strong, flexible ‘weapon’ that could stand up to the battles. It was through the worst pain I have yet to experience that God chose to place a fine edge and polish my soul.
Three decades and I am still being polished. God pulled me from the fire, having forged me stronger. Though no longer in the flame my heart still glows with a fire and passion that is white hot. I have been quenched in the Precious Blood of our Savior and tempered in the fire of the Spirit.
Three decades after this night, I still feel the pain of my father’s loss. But, I’ve seen the love and mercy of Jesus shine through so brightly even in that despair and darkness. Now the Father began His finishing work. He had freed me from that darkness and now began to etch His Name upon my soul.
This continued His ‘polishing’ under St Faustina’s tutelage through the her writings in the diary that rested fully within the one point I had until recently struggled with, TRUST. In the image that He has signed, “Jesus, I trust in You”
How is God forging, shaping, tempering, polishing and edging you? Have you been in the fire? Are you willing to go back into the fire, if it meant more refining of your soul?
As St Faustina wrote in paragraph 480, no soul reaches a state of closeness with the Father on its own. It is “God, who strengthens me, who fills me, dwells there. All the snares of the enemy are crushed at His footstool. During these moments of union, God sustains me with His might.” Through all this I rest assured that “His might passes on to me and makes me capable of loving Him.” When I couldn’t trust, God loves me until I could look up into His eyes without shame and through the might of His Love, He showed me exactly why I should, why every soul should trust in Him. Through His persevering love, He “makes me capable of loving Him”. And that gives me power – power to be called a child of God.